MOTHERHOOD DIARY

S I X  M O N T H  B L I S S ...

It's hard to believe but six months ago my little guy could barely open his eyes for longer than twenty minutes.  When we initially brought Calvin home from the hospital Ben and I were so excited to introduce our squishy little one to friends and family.  This little sleepyhead would slip quickly into dreamland in anyone's warm embrace.  I admired him as much then as I do now but to be honest, this is a period I am really loving.  He is growing so much each day.  If we see you in the grocery store - he will probably smile at you and make a silly face.  He is beginning to consciously love me back and it's a wonderful feeling.  Sitting on the floor playing with his toys, he frequently turns his head back to look at me and presses his hands onto my knees...to make sure i'm still there.  I love catching his gaze.  When I'm doing the dishes and he's in his jumper (if you're a soon-to-be mama, make sure you get a jumper or saucer by that four month mark!) i'll catch him staring at me and he'll smile when our eyes meet.  

While I frequently feel a pang of anxiety about the fact that in six months, I'll be leaving him in someone else's daily care when I return to work, I'm trying to enjoy all of these moments.  Even during this dreaded phase of "sleep training" (sleep is not his favourite), I don't mind the 4a.m. cries for my company.  It's a reminder that he still needs me and I look forward to that early morning cuddle.  There was a time, not long ago when I would dread those cries....sheer exhaustion was plaguing my days and I truly needed any sleep I could get.  Everything has changed so much in so little time.  If you're a soon-to-be mama, know that you will be tired, but it does get better.  If are at or have already surpassed my stage in life, I'm sure you know exactly where I'm coming from. 

A N D  T H E N  T H E R E  W E R E  T H R E E ...

Most people have heard the term "it was love at first sight."  Becoming a mother I can tell you, is exactly that.  When people say "you couldn't imagine loving anything more", becoming a mother I can tell you, is exactly that.  Your whole world changes instantly.  You learn a new love for your partner, and you learn a new love that you didn't even know existed for your little one.  Life takes on a new meaning - it's not about you anymore - it's about this tiny person.

Becoming a mother was the best experience.  We brought Calvin home from the hospital to our condo and stared at him for hours.  He slept most of the time as small babies do.  We continued on with life as usual, binge-watching Netflix while Calvin slept in his bassinet on the floor in front of us.  Everything was blissful for those first few days after bringing him home.

Since I would be the parent to stay home with Calvin full-time, it soon dawned on me how difficult parenthood was when Ben had to return to work.  Due to the nature of Ben's job (he's very busy and unfortunately needs to be away from us for short periods of time), I decided to move in with my parents for a few months.  I spent most of those first few months indulging in social media, scrolling my electronic devices daily while Calvin ate, slept, ate, slept, and ate again.  I was so happy to have him, but truth be told, I was also struggling with the immense amount of change to my life.  I couldn't just get in the car and drive down the street to Starbucks anymore.  Anywhere I wanted to go involved packing Calvin up in the car and timing it perfectly so that he wouldn't start screaming of hunger while we were out.  If I left him for twenty minutes with my parents, I would make an anxiety-filled trip to run my errands hoping he wouldn't have a meltdown while I was gone.  I was a full-time milk machine, and I was working both the day and night shifts.

Had I not had my parents around to help me, I don't know how I would have coped.  It wasn't easy.  Spending 24 hours a day with a non-verbal, expressionless, tiny human has it's ups and downs.  Sometimes he would cry for hours and I had no idea what was wrong.  When your child cries and you don't know how to help them, its a heart-wrenching feeling.  Even during Ben's visits, things weren't the same anymore.  Everything had changed.  We couldn't enjoy long dinners chatting about our days with a glass of wine, because Calvin didn't like letting his mom and dad get through a meal without crying for his own.  

Motherhood is a never ending learning experience.  As Calvin grows each day, he learns new things, and I do too.  He learns how to communicate with me, and I learn how to communicate better with him.  We are understanding each other more.  While my love for him has never, and will never waver, we will both experience some growing pains.  Many of the things I expected to change have.  It's much harder to get together with friends, travel is never easy, and I have a HUGE responsibility which weighs on me daily.  But although everything has changed so drastically, life has never been better.  I have a new purpose, something much greater than me.  I feel completely content with my new life as a mother.  While there will be challenges ahead, I'm ready to embrace them.  And the one thing I love most?  I'm not just Samantha anymore....I'm "mom."  

How are you embracing motherhood? Was it what you expected?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!

A  N E W  C H A P T E R ...

And so it began...  

Many of my friends who are mamas themselves have told me they always knew they wanted to be a mother.  I always envied their courage.  I on the other hand did not always want to be a mother.  In fact, for a good part of my life, I didn't want to have kids at all... ever.  Why would someone want so much responsibility? Everything is too expensive these days... I'll lose all of my friends.... the list went on.  I always had a million reasons why i did not want children.  

When I would tell my mom I didn't want kids she would say "you just haven't found the right person to have kids with yet."  Don't you hate when your parents are right?  She was... 

As soon as I met Ben, I knew I wanted to be a mother.  Not just a mother...but I mother to his children...our children.  The only question was....when?  Well as life often does, it had a way of letting me know when the timing was right.  My career was changing.  I was facing a decision of re-location... that dreaded word.  I enjoyed my job, I really did! However, I was not prepared to move away from Ben.  While I hate to think about it, that could have been the end of our relationship.  A six hour drive apart would have been difficult and especially with no end in sight.  

That left me with somewhat of a sign...maybe this was the right time.  While everyone's journey to pregnancy is different, mine came rather quickly.  Soon after deciding that the time was now, I was PREGNANT...and growing by the week! Nine months went by in a flash.  Ben and I squeezed in as many weekend getaways as we could, ate as many quiet meals alone as we could, and I indulged in as much sleep as I could.  We were starting a new journey and we were excited.  We talked for hours about all the things we couldn't wait to do with the new baby.  When we found out our baby was a him, we collaborated on choosing a name rather quickly (I HAD to have a name...I couldn't refer to the bump as "it" for too long).  We were ready...well...sort of.  How little we knew about what was to come...